Little Old Dear:

An expression generally used to describe a female of diminutive stature and advanced years who perhaps reminds you of your dear old mum

They can melt hearts at 200 yards and must always be helped across the road and never ever mugged

The previous statement is not some kind of social moralising but a warning

They can turn nasty, real nasty .....

If you ever talk when the bingo's on and you're within 50 yards of a Little Old Dear you'll get a right bollocking. Even though you would have to shout in her ear to ask if she wanted helping across the road, she can hear a pin drop at bingo time and of course she thinks the band is far too loud

Some people think they just switch their hearing aids off after the bingo but I know that's no hearing aid. That's an in-ear monitor linked to the bouncers on the door. They're all so scared of her and her mates that they let her help them give someone a good kicking, like she used to get when she was their age

Whatever you do do not sit in her seat or you'll get an icy glare and she'll start muttering to her mates. If she's a particularly fierce Little Old Dear she'll take you round the back and give you a good kicking, like she used to get when she was your age

Or she may use sympathy to undermine your resolve to have a sit down and savour the one-pint-you-can-have-cos-you're-driving AGAIN!

No, there's not much chance of you retaining your seat if she goes for sympathy. Once she starts with the misty eyed look and begins to say things like;

"That used to be my late husband [insert name]'s chair. He sat there man and boy for 85 year. Eh dear. He's been gone since 1906 y'know. That's where I normally sit y'see. I always sit there. Everybody in t'club knows that ......"

You might as well give up. Go buy her a drink and a bag of crisps (crush them so she can suck 'em and swallow 'em) and go and sit in the dressing cupboard elbow to elbow with the other sweaty, flatulent fellow band members who've also been forced out of their seats

Whichever way the Little Old Dear takes her revenge, she'll remind you that she won a war for you. Possibly two

Let's be careful out there ....

Copyright © Phil Histon